This week was Father’s Day in North America and some other countries. It has an interesting history – while Mother’s Day apparently caught on very quickly, people were reluctant to honour fathers in the same way. To quote history.com:

Many men, however, continued to disdain the day. As one historian writes, they “scoffed at the holiday’s sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving, or they derided the proliferation of such holidays as a commercial gimmick to sell more products–often paid for by the father himself.”

It’s an interesting reflection of the patriarchy – that expressing love and appreciation for fathers would be seen as “sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness” or a commercial gimmick to sell neckties. The universal human desire for love and connection can apparently only be channelled in a very specific way where fathers are concerned – just try to find Father’s Day cards that have nothing to do with golf or barbequing. In other words, fathers are about swinging sticks and cooking meat. Very caveman. Have humans evolved at all in the past 10,000 years?

Fortunately, commercial gimmicks aside, we all know that real fathers and real children are often able to express their appreciation and love for each other. If they find it difficult, there is help out there, as our society makes more room for men who are choosing to free themselves from the demands of toxic masculinity, and for the families who are supporting them in that choice. It’s not always easy. It is much more acceptable for a man in our society to be angry or violent, than for him to cry or exhibit fear.

I remember reading in a Brené Brown book about a man who approached her after a talk and told her that his wife and daughters would rather see him dead than falling off his white horse. The norms of the patriarchy are deeply internalised in all of us, and often men are afraid that their families will lose respect for them if they breach them, expressing fear or love in ways that aren’t “manly”. Sometimes their fears are justified. These can be painful conversations to have, but they may be necessary.

So here’s much love and appreciation to all the fathers out there, who are doing their best to love and support their families. May we all remember that the only cure for fear is love.