It’s a very primal thing for humans to want to belong and fit in – after all, back when we lived in caves, being kicked out of the group was probably a death sentence. Somebody needs to tell our subconscious that that is no longer the case.

When we are babies, we are completely delighted with ourselves, and see no reason whatsoever to change in order to fit in with a crowd. However, as we get older, we learn from those around us that there is something wrong with us if we aren’t the same as everyone else. As Brené Brown teaches, we learn that it is shameful to deviate from the norm, as dictated by the adults around us and the precepts they hand down, either explicitly or implicitly.

There are many reasons why people might feel they don’t belong in the groups to which they were born. They might have interests and desires that take them beyond the boundaries set by the community – for example, going to higher education when that is not the norm among their peers. Sadly, people who come from a less-educated background often feel like they don’t belong in their new, educated community either, unless they are actively working to change the awful shame stories they are telling themselves. As a fifth-generation Texan, Brené Brown talks about that, too. Racialised minorities might feel that they don’t belong in a predominantly white group, and so on.

Alternatively, people might feel like they don’t fit into the gender roles they are expected to take on in life, based on what the doctor first observed by peering between their legs. This can be a huge source of shame – we are all well-indoctrinated with the fear and abhorrence of those who step out of the gender binary, and especially those who cross to the other side. The patriarchy is not to be trifled with, whether you are rejecting your assignment as a cisgender woman or man, with the clear and mutually-exclusive expectations that come with those assignments.

Thankfully, Western society, at least, is evolving to become more inclusive of the natural, broader expression of human gender – even the Talmud recognised that the binary is not all there is. Cis, trans or nonbinary, we are all human and deserve dignity and respect.

Whatever reason you may have to feel like you are different from those around you, I urge you to take a good look at whatever shame you might be feeling, and determine whether it is based on values that you still hold, or is just a remnant from your childhood. Most of us, after all, are no longer in middle school. There is no need to treat ourselves as if we are. Time to move on and find a community that fits our glorious selves!