I read a lot of personal development gurus, from Brendon Burchard to Elizabeth Lesser, and they all eventually come down to talking about a very important concept – clarity. Deciding what you want, and going after it, or at the very least, asking for it.

How often do you make it clear to other people what you want? Do you expect them to read your mind, or do you feel they should “just know”? Sometimes we are unclear on what we want, just because we don’t entirely know ourselves. Ambiguity in our own minds makes it even harder for others to figure it out. It’s not really fair for us to be resentful because we didn’t get what we didn’t ask for, is it? But we can’t deny our feelings – that resentment can be really damaging to relationships. “You know what you did” is a cliché, but like all clichés, it has a kernel of truth. We are upset because we feel slighted, unseen, misunderstood – but did we make sure the other person knew what we wanted?

It can be hard to know what we want, especially when we’ve been socialised to put our own needs last. Often, when asked what they want, an inveterate caretaker will truthfully admit that they don’t know. Maybe they don’t spend a lot of time thinking about their own needs – it’s much easier to worry about other people, after all. We are told that it is better to give than to receive, that we should not be selfish. All excellent messages for people with strong boundaries, but those don’t develop by themselves, in a society that rewards compliance and fitting in, and punishes those who dance to their own music. Children who know their own minds and their own desires are considered “difficult”, and it can be hard to escape that feeling as an adult. Isn’t it better just to keep quiet?

It may be tempting, and in some circumstances it might be necessary, but in general, no, it’s not better to keep quiet. Speaking your truth and asking for what you want can be scary, because we are all afraid of rejection. Brené Brown talks about courage – it can take a lot of courage to allow ourselves and our needs to be seen. We are afraid of upsetting the apple cart, of saying the quiet part out loud, of breaking fragile bonds we aren’t ready to let go. In a deeply patriarchal, racist and anti-LGBTQ+ society, it can be physically dangerous as well, and maybe we need to take steps to ensure our safety before we can speak freely.

But it is worth it, in the end – sometimes we don’t realise the high emotional price we are paying to stay hidden, and supposedly safe, until we are free and don’t need to pay it anymore. The bookstores are full of memoirs of people who finally realised what they wanted, and had the courage to ask for it, of the world, of other people, and most importantly, of themselves.

Do you know what you want? How do you ask for it? I’d love to know!