It’s that time of year – what’s known as the High Holy Days. We had Rosh HaShanah last week, and this week we are going into Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement. It’s our second one in the pandemic, so it will be different, but it’s an opportunity for reflection, and that is always a good thing.
The purpose of the Day of Atonement is to allow us a clean slate – to make amends for what we’ve done wrong during the past year and start again. It is customary to ask your friends and family to forgive you for anything you’ve done to offend them, and we spend the day itself mostly in the synagogue, fasting, praying and asking the same thing of the Divine. I will share my thoughts on the thoroughly patriarchal, deliberately masculine language of the mostly-medieval traditional liturgy another day. Let’s talk about being offended.
I looked in several online dictionaries, and found much the same definitions of the phrase “to offend” – to transgress, to cause pain, and depending on the dictionary, placed in either first, second or third place, to cause another person or group to be upset or angry.
If you spend any time on social media, you will know that there is a lot of offending and being offended floating around out there. In this time of political divisions, many people seem to take delight in being deliberately offensive to those they perceive as adversaries. We can talk about where that comes from, but the fact remains, if you are open to being offended, there’s plenty of opportunity to spend your time in that state.
How does it feel to be offended? It’s not generally a good feeling – thinking that someone disrespects you is not very uplifting. You might feel it in your body, especially in your neck, chest or stomach. You might feel very angry and want to hit back at the person who offended you. You might become depressed because you have internalised their judgement and think they might be right. It’s not a fun time.
The important thing to remember is that being and remaining offended is a choice. You can’t control other people’s words and deeds, but you can choose whether you will take on their opinion of you. It’s natural and normal to have an emotional reaction to someone disrespecting you, but you don’t have to stay there. You may choose to take action such as education or argument, or you may choose simply to remove yourself, even if that means looking for a new job or limiting interactions with certain family members. Spending less time on social media is almost always a good choice (speaking to myself here!).
If the person takes advantage of this time of year and asks for forgiveness, you may choose to work on repairing the relationship, or you may choose not to. It’s worth thinking about, either way.
Interestingly, people can become addicted to the surge of emotion that comes with being offended, especially if they don’t seek out better-feeling emotions. I recommend Gabby Bernstein’s work on moving up the emotional scale and feeling better – in her book Super Attractor she lays out a path for moving out of unpleasant feelings and working your way back up to joy. A coach or a therapist can certainly help with that, if you feel stuck.
How do you deal with people or situations you deem offensive? I’d love to know.
Wishing you and yours a healthy, happy, prosperous 5782!