It was Valentine’s Day this week, and also my 60th birthday. A good day to reflect on connection and love, don’t you think?

I don’t have to tell you that it’s been a very strange two years in that regard. A time that we have expressed our love for people by staying away from them, keeping them safe and healthy by making sure they don’t breathe our air. Thanks to vaccines, we seem to be approaching the end of this strange time, but it will have left its mark on us nonetheless. 

In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love and belonging rank right up there, just below food and safety. We are social beings, and isolation is one of the cruelest punishments we can receive. Even those of us who profess to be misanthropes have some need for connection, as long as we can control how much. No person is an island. All you need is love, love, love is all you need. I could end here, but there’s more.

We all know that the concept of love has been used to cause harm to anyone who doesn’t fit within a certain mold, and as an instrument of control. When we are children, the threat of withdrawal of parental love is an existential one – we will do anything to make sure our parents love and protect us. Many of us carry these behaviours with us into our adult relationships, usually to their detriment. We may be afraid to tell our loved ones what we are really feeling and thinking, for fear of losing their love or respect. Such a missed opportunity for deeper connection. There is help, though, if we are willing to seek it.

Another role connection plays is in the 12 step program, where we are told that it is the opposite of addiction. For many addicts (and many people are addicted to things that are not substances, such as shopping or work), their addiction serves to numb their pain at a lack of connection. If you’ve ever found yourself lonely and bored and diving into the refrigerator when you are not hungry, welcome to the club. Unfortunately, all of these things are only temporary salves to the inner pain of lack of connection. Recognising this is the first step towards finding a solution.

So on this week of Valentine’s Day, I invite you to consider reaching out to someone and just saying hello. If you are fortunate enough to have loved ones within your reach, give them a hug. If you are alone, consider yourself hugged by me!