People don’t like those who are different. It’s an ancient, tribal thing – probably connected to that same fear of rejection we talked about last week. It’s part of the evolution of a mature society that it consciously chooses to accept, even cherish, those who deviate from the patriarchal norm that was established in those ancient tribes. In times of stress and fear, many people regress. That’s when authoritarian leaders are able to rise, and often they channel this fear of the other for their own purposes, but that’s a discussion for another day.

If you express yourself on the Internet with any authenticity, chances are someone is not going to like what you are doing, especially if you belong to a minority of any kind – racial, sexual, gender-based or religious.

If they are a person with any maturity, they will scroll on by and find something they like better. If they are a teenager or someone who is otherwise not fully developed in the frontal lobe, you may experience what is called a hater or a troll – someone who comments on your post with nasty words that are intended to strike you to the heart and fill you with fear and pain. If you get one hater, you may well get a whole cascade of them as the jackals flock together to try and destroy you. Mobs on the Internet may not have actual pitchforks and torches, but the intent is the same (and sometimes spills over into real life, with something called doxxing – when trolls post a person’s address so people can find them and harass them physically).

So what to do in a situation like this? The impulse may well be to shut everything down and run away, and sometimes that is necessary, especially if there are threats of actual violence. But what if the thing you were doing is dear to your heart, or is part of work you consider important? You may have to take a brief hiatus to let things cool down, but if it’s important to you, you will want to come back, maybe under a different name or in a different fashion. The main opponent at that moment will be yourself and your own fears, and any internalised dislike of yourself the trolls may have tapped into, probably unwittingly.

It’s important, at that moment, to reach out to those who love and support you. Chances are you are not alone, and that there are people who love what you do and who you are. Give them a chance to lift you up and remind you that, as Taylor Swift put it, haters gonna hate. But lovers gonna love, and they are there, too. Brené Brown carries a small piece of paper with her, with the names of the people whose criticism matters to her. The rest of the world has not earned that right, and she will not give it to them. You don’t have to, either.

Haters happen. But remember to reach out and find those who will support you – they are out there, too. You just have to find them, and you are worth the effort. Illegitimi non carborundum!