“Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. Here’s the definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” – Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts.

I read an article the other day by a woman who found that her feminist ideals ran smack into one of the patriarchal assumptions she was raised with – namely, that it was incumbent upon her, and upon all women of her ethnic group, to perpetuate that group by having children. She was struggling with the fact that the male leaders of the group just blithely assumed that labour by her and by other women, and that it was clear that anyone who declined to do that labour (or who turned out to be incapable of it, for whatever reason), should be shamed.

Quite aside from the fact that any group that has to shame its members into propagating might not be worthy of continuing, I was immediately reminded of this quote by Brené Brown. It goes right to the heart of what it means to be a community – when love, belonging and connection are conditional on people performing certain kinds of labour (physical or emotional), what kind of community are we creating? Is it a society of mutual respect and support, or one in which some are more equal than others? Why would love and belonging be withdrawn from people who are flawed, or somehow fail to live up to expectations? Is conditional connection real?

I have been listening to the book The Future is Disabled by the poet and activist Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, and they give the most wonderful, lyrical description of disabled mutual support webs – people who are themselves in need of help, giving what they can to others, and gratefully receiving as well. That last is the trick – as Piepzna-Samarasinha says, many people of colour, especially those socialised as women, are trained not to have any needs, and if they have any, they must never show them. It can be a whole unlearning process for them to dare ask for help or accommodations, because of that idea of shame, as expressed in the Brené Brown quote above.  

When you feel that any love or connection being offered to you is conditional on your labour, it is very hard to refuse, or to ask for help, on penalty of losing that connection. Shame can be a potent weapon.

Sometimes, though, it becomes clear that the price is just too high, that the connection is just not worth the pain. That is when communities see their young people voting with their feet, whether it means deserting their institutions (schools, places of worship) or refusing to go along with community norms – including those that require young women to bear children for the good of the community.

Communities would be wise to reconsider their priorities while they still can. Shame can work for a while, but in the end, it is likely to do more harm than good.

Have you been shamed for not living up to others’ expectations of you? What did you do about it? I’d love to know!