It’s that time of year – the leaves are turning, the air is crisp, and it is almost Rosh HaShanah, the Jewish New Year. 10 days after Rosh HaShanah is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Together, they are known as the High Holy Days.
This is a time for what is called cheshbon hanefesh, the accounting of the soul. We review what we did in the past year, to see whether we lived up to our own expectations. Chances are we didn’t – nobody is perfect. So during this time, we get the opportunity to make our peace with those we may have harmed, those who may have harmed us, and with G-d.
None of these is particularly easy to do – it can be hard to approach someone and apologise, and even harder to accept another’s apology. But the hardest of all, in my experience, is forgiving ourselves.
For whatever reason, we tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on other people. We are much more likely to give others the benefit of the doubt, to cut them some slack, to accept their fallible humanity.
When it comes to ourselves, though, we can be merciless. Would you speak to your children the way you speak to yourself? If you called your friends the kind of names you call yourself without a second thought, you would be pretty lonely. So what gives? Why are we so cruel to the one person we spend 24 hours a day with?
If you Google this question, you’ll find some interesting answers. Most have to do with childhood trauma – maybe high expectations that were laid on you, someone who always criticised or bullied you, or something else that caused you to start regarding yourself with a lack of self-love. Regardless, that voice in your head came from somewhere. But you aren’t doomed to live with it forever.
Even just becoming aware of your internal bully, the abusive self-talk you inflict on yourself, can be the beginning of a journey to a better state. We are so used to it, we think it’s the way things are supposed to be. But guess what – you don’t have to live like that, if you choose to make changes.
If you check out Gabby Bernstein’s website, you will find many interesting blog posts and meditations, intended to help you improve your self-love and quiet that internal critic. If you really find it difficult, you might want to consider talking to a therapist or a life coach.
Do you agree with me that forgiving yourself can be the hardest of all? Let’s tackle it together.