I’ve been listening to Louise Hay’s classic book “You Can Heal Your Life”. She says that the most damaging word in our language is the word “should”. You’ve heard me tell you to stop “shoulding” all over yourself – now you can hear it from the master healer herself.

The word “should” suggests that we are lacking and broken – if we should do something, but we don’t, then clearly we are deficient, or so we tell ourselves. Here is an exercise for breaking that pattern, that I learned from Louise’s book.

Sit down and write a list of things you think you should be doing. For example, maybe you think you should be more organised, exercise more, get more sleep, spend more time with your kids or on your business, etc.

Now, for each of these things, write down BECAUSE and then the reason you think you should do it. Was it even your idea in the first place? Maybe somebody told you you should do this thing, but it’s not a priority for you. Or maybe it would lead to something that you think is important to you, like a better relationship with your kids. Do you want to be healthy and strong, or do you think you need to look a certain way to keep the love of your partner? 

Next step: write under the heading IF I WANTED TO, I COULD: all the things that you could do, instead of should. Maybe you could get more exercise if being healthy really is important to you. Maybe you could schedule time with your kids into your planner if you are a workaholic. Maybe you could organise your desk if you are using the clutter as an excuse to procrastinate.

Finally, write the heading WHY HAVEN’T I. Why haven’t you done these things that you think you should? Maybe you really don’t want to – or maybe you say you want the result, but you aren’t willing to undertake the work. It’s important to be honest with yourself about this – if you say you want to be a musician, but you aren’t willing to practice, then maybe you don’t really want it. Maybe you are trying to live up to somebody else’s desire. It’s OK to acknowledge this – don’t fall into the sunk costs fallacy. It’s OK to walk away from something you did only to please someone else – or more likely, to fulfil what you imagine to be someone else’s expectations. Could you just enjoy making music without the pressure to perform or compete?

This is a fascinating exercise – if you try it, I’d love to hear back anything you have learned and are willing to share with me.

We often think we are falling short and can’t do something, when the truth may well be that we simply don’t want to. If we can look that truth in the face, maybe we’ll find that we can remove that block, by making our own choices. Do what makes you feel good, rather than what you think you should, based on the opinions of others. You may find that you stop procrastinating when you no longer feel under coercion. Or maybe you’ll go and do something completely different – wouldn’t that be awesome?