Life is about stories – we are the story-telling animal. The gift of language is the one thing that truly sets us apart from the rest of Creation. While other creatures certainly communicate with one another, we seem to be the only ones who tell stories.
In fact, we are so good at telling stories, that we sometimes forget that that is what we are doing. If we tell a story often enough, we will be convinced that it’s true – that is what we call a belief. And yet, it is just a story like any other, subject to change if we so choose. Deeply entrenched beliefs can be hard to change, but they are not immutable, despite appearances.
Stories play a major role in many parts of our lives, but especially in grief. When a loved one is no longer physically in our lives, whether through death, divorce or some other reason, we are faced with a story that causes us to feel pain and lack. We may reproach ourselves for things we did or didn’t do, that we think might have made a difference. When we recount stories of our past experiences with the missing one, we may feel anguish over their absence from our current moment and from our imagined future. Working through these feelings takes time, and we may become impatient with ourselves – yet another story of how we think we should be in the world.
Grief is a natural and important part of life – nobody lives forever, and sometimes lives end at a point that seems wrong and unjust to us. The death of a child generally hits us much harder than the death of a nonagenarian, regardless of how much we might love either of them. We have stories of how things should be, and we are angry and upset when the narrative of the world deviates from them. These feelings are real and deserve to be felt and honoured, even as we recognise that they come from the story we are telling.
If you are dealing with grief, as my family is at this time, be sure to give yourself grace, and room for some big feelings. The story of grief is a powerful one, and working through the feelings it evokes can take a lot of energy. Remember to prioritise self-care and surround yourself with love, as much as you can. Do the things that give you joy, especially if you used to share them with the person you are missing. You might just feel their presence. That is also a story, but it’s a good one to tell!
I’d love to know what has worked for you in times of grief, if you are comfortable sharing.