Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one psychotherapist, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

My mother, of blessed memory, used to chuckle at that lame little joke. She was a complex and deeply wounded person, so naturally, like many people of that description, she became a psychotherapist. She had her own private practice, and also worked with groups of bereaved families. Therapists are required to do a lot of work on themselves, and I like to think that in the end, before her untimely death at 69, she found a measure of peace, despite her wounds. There is something deeply satisfying about seeing our work help another person find some healing.

Many of us walk through the world, trying to make it a better place. There is so much pain in people’s lives, and we want to kiss the booboo and make it better, just like we were often able to do for our children. Alas, in adulthood, people’s wounds usually go deeper than a bumped head or a bruised knee. Healing can sometimes be found, but it will take more than a kiss, and it cannot be forced or rushed.

We often wish to heal other people’s wounds, but we can’t. We can hold space, share love and compassion, and give advice if they want it, but in the end, their wounds are not ours to heal. Just like a surgeon can set a broken bone, but the patient’s body must do the healing, so a therapist or a coach or even a friend can offer tools, compassion and a non-judgmental space, but the wounded person’s mind and spirit must do the healing here, too. 

It can be very frustrating to realise how impossible it is to speed up other people’s healing, but it can also be liberating – by accepting that impossibility, we also give up any responsibility we may feel for it. We are responsible for how we treat others, but we can’t control how they respond to what we do and say. It’s important to remember that, even in the heat of an altercation. We can offer our love and support, but each person is responsible for what they do with that. As long as we keep that in mind, we can’t go wrong.

This week is the Lunar New Year – wishing a safe, healthy and successful Year of the Rabbit to all who celebrate!