So … I did a reel that has caught some traction on Facebook. You can watch it here. Reels are short by definition, so they don’t really allow for the development of thoughts in any depth. I mentioned the concept of unconditional positive regard (UPR), as formulated by the psychologist Carl Rogers, and asked people what they thought of that. I received some responses from people who said that they suffered abuse from narcissists because they accepted anything they did. I believe that this is not what Dr. Rogers meant, and it is certainly not what I understand by it.

First of all, Dr Rogers was talking about therapeutic situations – where a therapist is holding space for a client, and doing their absolute best not to be judgemental of what the client is telling them. I ran into the concept in one of Dr. Gabor Maté’s books, in which he was talking about the parent-child relationship, and how important it is for children to feel that their parents’ love is not conditional on their behaviour. Those are two very specific situations, of course, but I believe that the concept has wider applications, if we apply appropriate boundaries.

For example, unconditional positive regard does NOT mean that people can do whatever they want, with no regard to the consequences. Hurtful behaviour should not be tolerated, especially in relationships. If a person feels that their partner does not respect their boundaries, they are fully within their rights to end the relationship. So how does UPR figure into this?

I come back to Dr Brené Brown’s formulation of the difference between guilt (I did something bad) and shame (I am bad). UPR means going with the first and not with the second. It’s OK to set boundaries, to declare oneself unhappy with a person’s behaviour. It is NOT OK, in my view, to make one’s regard of the person as a human conditional on their behaviour. There are many people whose politics I find absolutely detestable, but I believe they are dealing with trauma and fear, and are not, at bottom, bad people. Shaming people means they will believe that they can never get better, and that is just not true. 

To quote Dr. Maya Angelou, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. I can’t know for sure, but I feel she would agree with me. People can always do better, and by holding to the belief that every human is created in the image of the Divine, and is fundamentally lovable and worthy, we make it possible for everyone to do better. Until that day, we need to maintain our boundaries, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

This week is Dr Martin Luther King Jr Day in the United States, very apropos for this discussion. I’d love to know what you think – drop me a comment and let me know!