I have recently been listening to an Audible Original book by Mel Robbins, called Take Control of Your Life. In this book, she talks to a number of people who are stuck in patterns of fear that are preventing them from having the life that they desire.

According to Mel, these patterns are set in childhood – some are caused by major trauma such as abuse, but others can be sparked by apparently minor incidents. Children are very vulnerable, and will do pretty much anything to make sure that they are not abandoned or judged by the adults in their lives. These behaviours may well have been functional at the time, but when people take these behaviours into their adult lives, they no longer serve them.

The people in Mel’s coaching sessions came to her with a variety of behaviours that came up for them whenever they were nervous or scared – going silent, becoming the class clown, becoming a people-pleasing chameleon, judging others (Mel points out that judgmental people are deeply wounded), hoarding possessions, or making grand plans and never taking action on them.

In each case, Mel went back with them to their childhood, finding an incident or a situation in which that behaviour was an appropriate or comforting or helpful reaction, and helping them understand how they had brought it into their adult life, and how it was no longer helpful.

The most fascinating part, to me, was how she taught them to recognise the physical manifestation of their fear. Whether it was a clenching of their stomach, bright red cheeks, or apparently uncontrollable tears, if they could feel it coming, they had a chance of controlling it. The body knows and reacts before the mind realises there is anything going on. This is why these behaviours can be so hard to stop. 

In one case, she advised the person to go into therapy because she had PTSD. For everyone, gaining insight into the root cause of their own frustrating behaviour was liberating, but it was only the first step.

For everyone, the antidote to fear was taking action – step by step. Mel described it as building with Lego rather than taking a flying leap into the unknown. Take a course. Clean out one shelf. Speak up about one thing. Express your truth. Once you find you can do one thing that scares you, you can do another thing.

In this time of fear and anxiety for all of us, it can be a good thing to reflect on our own patterns of fearful behaviour, and take those small steps towards a better life. If not now, when?