When I first started studying to become a life coach, I was completely mystified by the words of my teacher, Brooke Castillo.
She told me that my circumstances did not cause my feelings, and I was sure she had to be wrong. Surely, when I’m angry at my husband, it’s because of what he did or said. Where else would feelings come from?
Working with Brooke and her coaches, I learned to look at feelings in a different way, as part of The Model – also known as the CTFAR cycle.
In this system, our circumstances (C) trigger a thought (T), which then results in a feeling (F), leading to an action (A), which causes a result (R). This result may be a new circumstance, and the cycle merrily begins again.
As an example, imagine that you are meeting a friend for lunch, and she’s late. That’s a circumstance (C) – something that is incontrovertibly true. But you can go in different directions as far as thoughts and feelings go, completely independent of the actual circumstance.
You might think that she’s late because she doesn’t respect you and your time (T). This will cause you to feel angry and resentful (F). When she does show up, you might not be very nice to her (A), resulting (R) in her withdrawing and not treating you the way you would like. This confirms, in your mind, that she doesn’t respect you, and things go from bad to worse. You leave the meeting resentful and angry.
Just imagine, though, that you think about how busy she is (T), and feel grateful that she made the time to meet with you (F), and don’t hold it against her that she didn’t make it quite on time. When she comes, you are happy to see her (A), your interaction is joyful and loving (R), and you both leave feeling great.
The circumstance was the same (your friend was late for your lunch date), but the results are completely different, and all because of YOUR THOUGHTS, which led you to act in a different way towards your tardy friend.
Who would have thought that thoughts are so powerful?
Sometimes we feel like we can’t control how we feel – emotions well up based on deeply ingrained beliefs (or thoughts!), set up as programs in our mind when we were very young. But because they are thoughts, we can change them. It may not be easy, if we’ve held these beliefs about ourselves and the world for many years, but it can be done.
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