When we think everything has to be perfect, when we fear the judgment of others because we inevitably fail to make everything perfect, we are causing ourselves (and possibly others) unnecessary suffering.

It’s a well known trauma response – something bad happened, I felt hurt and helpless, maybe if I do everything perfectly going forward I will not be hurt again. We all have it to some degree or another, but we don’t have to let it rule our lives.

The insidious thing about perfectionism is that it works subconsciously. Once we are aware of what we are doing to ourselves and others, we can make a decision to stop our harmful actions, or to do the thing we know will be helpful, but we have been quietly sabotaging.

As an example, I have been dealing with some skin issues on my face, and of course I am quite self-conscious about them. It’s natural, and I am taking steps to improve my health and deal with the problem. It’s a common life situation, unpleasant but not a huge deal.

However, it became a much bigger deal when I realised that I had stopped making videos, which are one of the major ways that I interact with my audience (this newsletter being another, of course). I was still having my coach film me in the gym, because those little clips don’t show my face close up. But I was no longer sharing information and thoughts on reels, and I even bailed on last week’s Sunday Silver live video (a quick plug – Sunday evenings, 7:30 pm CST, live on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter, and sometimes TikTok). All because my face doesn’t look perfect. It was a sobering moment, as I realised I’d “forgotten” to go live at my usual time.

Physical appearance, especially for those coded as women, is a huge deal in our society. It’s intimately tied in with ableism, ageism, and of course misogyny – if you don’t look like eye candy to the male gaze, there’s clearly something wrong with you. We internalise this so much, we aren’t even aware of what we are doing as we look in the mirror and mutter “ugh!”.

So as of now, I declare No More Perfectionism, and you are my witness. If you catch me doing something that reeks of perfectionism, please let me know. I’d love to be your witness too, if you like. Just drop me a message.

Of course, we aren’t going to be perfectionists about that, either. Holding grace and space for our own flawed humanity is a huge part of healing. Let’s go on this journey together!

Wishing you and yours a warm and wonderful Holiday season!