This past Sunday was my 59th birthday. Just so you know how old I am, I remember when the music of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young came out. One of my favourites is their 1970 album Déjà vu, and in particular, the song Everybody I Love You. Even as a young child (the album actually belonged to my older sister), I was struck by the line

You expect for me to love you, when you hate yourself my friend, la la la …

If you are of a certain age and grew up under North American influences, this song is now in your head, and I apologise. But it’s truly for a good cause – bear with me.

I want to posit here (and feel free to disagree with me!), that if you don’t have at least some love for yourself, you can’t truly love other people. You can be attached to them, need them, take care of them, feel responsible for them, and martyr yourself in their cause. But you can’t really love them, because you can’t give what you don’t have.

It’s the people who look into themselves and see absolutely nothing of value who are the most needy, even when they appear to be the most giving. They are constantly in search of external validation, of someone who will reassure them that they are, in fact, lovable and worthy. They don’t believe that validation when they get it, though, so they keep looking. It seems crazy, because the ones who seem most full of themselves are, in fact, the most empty.

People who love themselves can set healthy boundaries and truly care about the wellbeing of others, without being needy or losing themselves. They are not selfish – on the contrary, those are the people who see the Divine in everyone, because they see it in themselves. They are willing to give, often without expectation of return, but they will not be martyrs or become subsumed in a relationship.

The great sage Rabbi Akiva said that the essence of the entire Torah is that you should love your neighbour as yourself. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love your neighbour?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!

If this was helpful, I would love it if you would share this with anyone whom you think would benefit. In this time of physical separation, it’s so important to connect virtually!